Men’s Group & Meaningful Friends

Lack of real friendships

It is very common for men to find themselves without real friends after the 4th decade of life. Meaning: friends where they feel at home and at peace with themselves when they are together, without the competition feeling around them. In general, some men by the age of 60, the number of real male friendships are reduced to almost two or three (a conservative assumption). As consequence, they may start to feel isolated, lonely, discouraged, more inclined to develop the symptoms of depression and suicidal ideation.

In this article, it will be explored some ideas on how men can reach out other males with the intention to create a safe environment for real friendship be developed.

It is important to clarify that the idea of create a man’s group mentioned here will be for men above 30 years/old, which is the age where real questions start to kick in , and the anxiety of disclose fears and insecurities are alarmed. These warnings make most men suppress this kind of ‘talk’ believing one day will be solved by itself. It doesn’t.

NOTE: It is also imperative to acknowledge that a men’s group does NOT substitute the benefits of professional therapy and counselling. Most of the men’s group are facilitated by passionate facilitators that take this as a heartfelt, meaningful and so much needed hobby, and holds no accountability to any professional body, plus don’t have the same qualification of a registered professional. While being involved in a men’s group is vital for your life, it doesn’t offer the depth of an individual work alongside the right registered professional, that has been doing his own work for decades, holds accountability to a professional body, always attending supervision, and has at least a bachelor in psychotherapy & counselling. It is wiser to seek individual work as well as being a member of a men’s group of your choice.

Usually, friends are workmates

Normally, male friendships are (mostly) originated at the workplace and once they change jobs, the ‘friends’ lose contact, and new ‘friends’ emerge. The conversations are always the same, with the same kind of laughs and jokes. It is full of chit chat (or shit chat). It is very superficial with a great hint of competition among them - even if they are close and best friends. The creation of a men’s group, where the men meet in a weekly or fortnightly basis, is a good idea to break this cycle. It will require character and perseverance. Once the men understand and experience the process, a great bond is created generating a strong friendship based on authenticity. It is important to know this process is slow and takes time.

Creation of Men’s Group

The suggestions will be based in three ways of men’s group: 1 - 30-30-30 Meetings; 2 - The way of council; 3 - Meeting with Sharing, Questions & Reflections. This is just a brief idea of how these groups are running. Feel free to do your own search and create your style of men’s group.

1. 30-30-30 Meeting (based on Richard Roh’s book from Wild Man to Wise Man)The number 30 means 30 minutes for each part of the meeting. Part 1: where am I right now?; Part 2: sharing on the select team; Part 3: what I need to change/do/improve in this week/fortnight/month. The time is based according to the size of the group, which in this case the idea is for six men. As you can see it helps men to share about the present moment, hear about a common subject and reflect on self-improvement followed by action.

2. The Way of Council: Normally it happens in a circle, where a ‘talking’ peace stayed in the centre and each member of the group will have a chance to pick up the talking peace and share. At the beginning it might have a few minutes of meditation to bring the mind, the body and the spirit to the present moment, followed by dedications. Each dedication, a candle can be lighted as a form to invite the sacredness of the moment. The main guidelines are very simple: a) speak from the heart; b) listening from the heart; c) be spontaneous when share (no rehearsal); d) being of lean expression (speak the eye fillet of your heart). It demands from the men a great level of attention and quietness not much experienced in our society.

3. Meeting with Sharing, Questions & Reflections. Similar to The Way of Council, but allowing for one question, comment or reflection, with the intention to take the man deeper on his journey. This style can be quite confronting and uncomfortable, as we (men) don’t like to hear/see our dark sides, and this is an essential element of this kind of group.

Intentionality & Genuineness

This is just a brief idea of three kinds of groups. New styles can be always created. The most important element of any effective men’s group is intentionality and genuineness. In my own personal journey I have been in all these three types. The ones I am most engaging at the moment is the Way of Council and the last one that allows Question & Reflections. I must emphasise that the last one must be done with some professional counsellors or experienced men in group process as it can lead to some really edgy moments. It can be highly profitable for the soul, IF (and it is a huge condition) the men are willing to work on, otherwise it can bring more damage than good.

In general, I highly recommend men’s group for males above 30s (especially). It invites them to deal with the feelings of vulnerabilities and show them they are not alone in false ideas that all men must be. The members need to be accountable to each other and to the rules of the group. It requires a certain degree of effort, but it is worthy. In case of difficulties to create your own group, you can always join the existent ones.

Where to Find a Men's Group

You may find plenty of men’s group on the internet & social media. I would invite you to try more than one and stick with the one you feel more connected and supported. Like everything else, it is always about the one you feel more at easy and in peace with yourself, but can challenge you to move forward in your life.

Choose one that can take you through your Authentic Male Journey. Choose one that doesn't force anyone to participate. Choose one that the men can always say no, and the invitation will be always knocking at their door. I always encourage to my clients choose one strong in storytelling, listening attentively with a powerful connection with nature, and one that invites you to find profound strategies of action to improve your life.

Just a remind that a men’s group doesn’t take you deeper as an individual work would do. Being part of a men’s group would help you to keep your journey going, encouraging you to do the best you can. Working with a registered professional will improve your self-knowledge faster, stronger and more accurate, as you will have full attention of a professional for a longer time. Go for the best. Do both.

Felipe Oliveira: Registered Professional

I am a Seasoned Life Coach and I have been working with men for more than a decade facilitating groups & retreats, and leading many men to live an Authentic Life™ - a life from inside out.

I am also a Registered Clinical Counsellor with more than 1000 hours registered with PACFA (my professional body that I hold accountable to) and also a TRTP Certified Practitioner (Trauma Work): a new therapy that has been solving complex challenges in just 3 sessions. My formal education is a Masters in Psychotherapy and Counselling.

When choosing to take some individual sessions, you deserve the best. Choose a Registered Professional that take this work as a long-life commitment instead of a passionate hobby without a deeper commitment.

You can learn more on how you can benefit of my services HERE.

I am ready when you are.